To Resurrect: Resucitar

Resucito, Resucito, Resucito! 🎶
Dios resucito al tercia dia
todos lo sabemos
pero todos lo entendemos?
In a tradition that happens every year since Jesus' resurrection (Semana Santa, Holy Week)
it's easy to get wrapped up in this concept of a "break," the Easter food and festivities etc.
What a wonderful world we live in to be able to give that time, to be able to take Good Friday off those who do not have it off already.
I remember a good friend asking me about 2 years ago while I was in Peru
what have you resurrected to?
WHAT A QUESTION
I still can't answer it.
But I am constantly searching for answers
as I sit here and write this blog post before completing my homework and other "pendientes"
What's on my heart weighs heavier than what's in front of me sometimes
let it out yall.
LET IT OUT.
As one of my high school religion teachers used to say "I digress"
A ver....
Back to the question
What have you resurrected to?
Have you kept your Lenten promise?
Have you met a goal recently?
any small goal merits a small triumph!
Next week, I embark on a small journey to Chicago for a From Mission to Mission retreat.
Its been a goal of mine for a while now.
I finally did it, I booked that flight, I am GOING. what awaits my heart is unknown. but I must trust.
In the midst of the biggest semester of graduate school as I finalize my thesis "para sustentar" to present it..
It is probably the farthest from the PERFECT time to give up 3 days to "retreat"
But it is never going to be the PERFECT time.
As I am asked to gather up some pictures to bring to share my story and as I am told, it's great that you are coming, most people cry if they come their first year back...
here I am still crying simply at the thought of the opportunity to start sharing. HA!
Thats who I am though. I cry. I process. cry. repeat. cry. repeat.
Though my journey seems different sometimes, everyone's journey is. everyone's journey is wrapped in uniqueness, in a difference that only God made uniquely yours. No one can taint it or take that away. it is yours. YOURS and God's of course. ;)
there is a certain beauty surrounding that.
I lose sight of it sometimes.
and I question, I doubt, I even forget to love.
so I'd like to resurrect to love.
to a love that Jesus showed us all on that cross, the ultimate sacrifice. 
As I step forward out of Lent and into Easter, the journey to love continues.
Different vocations.
Different paths.
Different lights are shown to us.
Different blessings are brought to each of us.
So I ask you this..
what blessing is in front of you right now?
maybe its an iced caramel espresso latte and graduate work like me.
maybe its a loved one
maybes it a snack
maybe its a cat
maybe its food.
maybe its just YOU

rise.

&

resurrect.


remember how loved you are.

Happy Easter. FELICES PASCUAS.

An Afterword: On Being

I feel as if I could go on and on and on and on about    "being."
It is beauty. It is grace. It is love. It is God.
God is the greatest of all "beings"
The one being who loves us far more than we could fathom.
Maybe its why being in its simplicity is so, well, not simple.

The above photo is taken in one of my favorite places in the town I grew up in on my 25th birthday, my first birthday stateside post JVC,  my brothers would roll their eyes at the sound of the restaurant's name, my dad would kindly suggest other options and my mom would say her infamous line "I go with the flow" but, in the end, we'd always end up in the same mexican restaurant whose waiters have seen me essentially grow up.  Frequented on my birthday after mozzarella sticks at Applebees were long forgotten (though I must go back) it also became frequented by everyone else in the extended family (side note: no one on his or her birthday was obligated to choose Casablanca)
 I like to think it sort of always just... happened.

Maybe that's what being is all about, the whole come what may attitude. Go with the flow. Ride the waves. as they come.
The question these months that sometimes have felt like years to me remains the same: How is it that after all of this, I am struggling "being"???
It's funny how life brings you back to certain places sometimes.
Back to certain glimpses.
For me it's standing on the corner of el mercado grau waiting for the 35 or the 5 bus to take me home where the infamous red velvet couch in Tacbloc awaited my heavy heart, drooping eyes and all of Miss Christie in whatever state I was in.  But the moment before that, standing on that corner my first months riding the waves of 1st year JV life, I longed to crawl out of my skin.
There are days I feel like a foreigner.
a traveler on the way home.
remembering the tears that sometimes streamed down my face on that long bus ride, from being a witness to the injustices of our world or simply from reveling in the abounding love I received daily that sometimes resulted in me being tackled on the floor by a bunch of 1st graders.

and I long for the relief that red velvet couch offered me.
But the truth is, I will always be a traveler, I will always be a foreigner and maybe even always long to crawl out of my skin because my home, my true home is somewhere I can't imagine, somewhere I can't grasp, somewhere I can only believe in.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am ruined for life.
I am ruined.
r-u-i-n-e-d
R-U-I-N-E-D
I have heard it over and over again from countless missioners, young and old.
but I have never really fully understood it.
I pretended I knew what they were talking about and honestly thought I did because I felt a tiny ounce of the unsettled..
the brokenness...
you may be questioning yourself too...what on earth is she talking about?
Because to be ruined means "to reduce to a state of decay, collapse, disintegration, to cause great and usually irreparable damage or harm to, to have a disastrous effect on, reduce to a state of poverty, to fall headlong or with a crash" in Latin it was the "collapse of a building"
But, what have I collapsed to?
Have I collapsed to who I was in 2014? Have I collapsed to who I was when I boarded that plane on January 20th, 2017?
That's where faith happens.
where trust comes into play.
I am ruined because I will never be the same again. I am damaged because I have been broken. I have been broken into pieces. I have been stretched and I remained stretched, I didn't go back to the way I was, I can't go back. It's irreversible.
There is a desire in my heart many days to find a bandage that puts me back together, to find the answer, a solution, to encounter the settling.
but I can't
because
I am
ruined.
it is irreparable and can feel disastrous.
BEING ruined.
so its only human to cling to what I know, to what I long for, to what I love, to the glimpses of settling..
I read the following recently,
  "Part of the complexity and pain of the missioner's life is knowing, on some deep level, that one has become a permanent "stranger in a strange land," whether in the host culture to which one has been sent, where one is a 'guest,' or in the 'home' culture from which one has come" 
Once a missioner, always a missioner 
("At Home in The Journey: Theological Reflection for Missioners in Transition" Jo Ann McCaffrey, 2005, p. 24)

and I don't think I believed it.
I said, what?! what do you mean I will never feel that way again? or find that something that brings me so much joy? Dios mio no puede ser!
but I know that when I set foot again in that desert my heart will be smiling so big, I'll remember why being ruined was THE greatest lesson in patience. in love. in faith.
and its one of the most beautiful, to know that what I long for isn't even earthly. It never was. As each day passes, I arrive closer to that realization and to Him who is inviting me to walk in the ruins, in the brokenness, the unsettling.

camina conmigo
walk with me.

let us remember that the mission is GREATER.
la mision es mas grande.

 like snow in the south, beyond what can be imagined.

a special thank you to all those who have supported the journey and continue to do so.

An Afterword: On Longing / Epílogo: Sobre Anhelo

"Yo te llevo dentro hasta la raiz"
*cue song (link to follow)

Longing, longing to be in a place close to your heart.  When you live something so deeply, love something so deeply, it will always be a part of you. to the core. to the root. hasta la raiz.

how does one go about honoring such a big part of their self?

Poco a poco, that's for sure.

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION

Is it really complete though?
I think not. No time or distance can change the love I hold for the people I hold close to my heart.
Its still hard to be at a distance but its comforting to know the love we mutually feel.
Home is for certain a feeling.
Its a feeling so gloriously filled with Gods love, it makes you a better human being, a better daughter, sister, cousin, friend, god-mother, teacher...

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION

As things that rattle my heart happen while I am miles away, I long to be present.
I long to be present to those I love.  I want to drop everything and run. I want to hug them.
Then I remember how important it is to be present with someone spiritually.
It isn't an easy task but it is a humbling one.
It means waiting.
It means trusting in the slow work of God.
S-L-O-W
however slow it may feel.
I am learning to again be present in every moment I am presented with.

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION

As I start the school year, I am throwing myself in the unknown, in something new, a new beginning.
I realized this week the beauty of my next 2 year comittment and how beautiful it is to give all I have to the little ones in front of me. The little ones who stare up at me as if I have all the wisdom in the world.  The little ones who are learning to do things as simple as wash their hands. I am entrusted to them as their guide.  I strive to lead them with grace.  Sometimes that grace just means dancing along to el baile de los animalitos and seeing smiles, consoling Miss Christie's heart. It's going on a blue scavenger hunt and putting on my  Ingles mandil now turned "scientist" Miss Christie mandil. It's the littlest of things that bring little ones so much joy.  I thank them for reminding me that I may want to do big things for those I love, but sometimes its the little things that can be equally as meaningful.

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION Philippians 1:6

Here's to trusting in the slow work of God, honoring every ounce of longing in me, falling in love again because all that I am is for all that You are.

"Yo te llevo dentro hasta la raiz"
*Corazon Serrano

Anhelo, anhelo estar en el lugar cercano a mi corazón.  Cuando vives algo profundamente, amas algo profundamente, siempre sera una parte de ti.  hasta la raíz.

Como honrar esa gran parte de tu ser?

Poco a poco, por seguro

EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO

Pero estará a perfección aun?
No lo creo. Ni tiempo ni distancia cambiara el amor que tengo por las personas que llevo en mi corazón.
Todavía me cuesta estar a distancia pero se siente bien saber que es un amor mutual.
El hogar es por cierto un sentimiento.
Es un sentimiento lleno del amor de Dios, que te hace una mejor persona, una mejor hija, hermana, prima, amiga, madrina, profesora. ..


EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO

Cuando cosas fuertes suceden cuando estoy lejos, anhelo estar presente. Anhelo estar presente a las personas que amo.  Quiero dejarlo todo y correr.  Quiero abrazarlos.
Luego recuerdo lo importante que es estar presente con una persona espiritualmente.
No es algo fácil pero algo humilde.
Significa esperar.
Significa confiar en la lenta obra de Dios.
L-E-N-T-A
por lento que se sienta
Estoy aprendiendo de nuevo como estar presente en cada momento que se presenta.

EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO

Al comenzar el año escolar me estoy lanzando a lo desconocido, a algo nuevo, a un nuevo comienzo.  Me di cuenta esta semana de la belleza de mis próximos dos anos y que bello es darlo todo a los pequeños que tengo en frente.  Los pequeños que me miran como si tuviera toda la sabiduría del mundo.  Los pequeños que estan aprendiendo a hacer cosas tan simples como lavarse las manos.
Me han confiado a ellos como su guía. Me esfuerzo a guiarlos con gracia.  A veces eso significa simplemente bailar "el baile de los animalitos" y ver sonrisas, consolando el corazón de Miss Christie. Es ir en una búsqueda por todo el salón por cosas del color azul y ponerme mi mandil de Ingles convertido ahora en el mandil científico de Miss Christie. Son las cosas mas pequeñas que traen tanta alegría a los pequeños.  Les doy las gracias por recordarme que aunque quisiera ser cosas grandes para los que amo,  a veces son las cosas pequeñas que pueden ser igualmente significativas.

EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO Filipenses 1:6

Asi que a confiar en la lenta obra de Dios, a honrar cada onza de anhelo en mi, a enamorarme de nuevo porque todo lo que soy es por todo lo que El es.

Están en mis oraciones queridos. 
siempre presente. 

hasta la raiz.

An Afterword: On Arriving

"I'm still very much arriving"

This is a phrase I find myself saying often.  As I reach the 6 month mark of being stateside I want to take the time to reflect on the flood of feelings, the unrest, the transition and of course the joys of the re-encuentros stateside.

On food: I met a Peruvian in Memphis recently and she simply said, "no hay nada como la comida peruana."  El orgullo peruano pues.  Although lomo saltado can be recreated stateside as the ingredients to prepare the dish can be found easily, ajis for aji de gallina are hard to come by. However, nothing will ever taste as good as when made with the fresh ingredients from Mercado Grau.  For now I'll cherish my frozen aji amarillos from a little Peruvian market in Miami FL, awaiting the perfect moment to share my all-time favorite Peruvian dish.
Side note, sweet potatoes will never be the same again. They just aren't sweet enough anymore stateside; aside from the infamous sweet potato casserole topped with marshmallows that I am so looking forward to eating at Thanksgiving.  Paltas (avocados) where are you? I dream of mangoes.

On cooking: I learned how to cook in a country with some serious culinary pride.  How did I ever get so lucky? I couldn't bare to part with my Peru cookbook composed by famous Gastón Acurio but more importantly than a book are the authentic recipes I learned from Senora Antoiñetta and my host mom. I'll never forget accidentally putting rocoto (a very spicy pepper distinguishable by its black seeds) in my scrambled eggs thinking it was a red pepper, hopping in the shower without thoroughly washing my hands first, only to hop right back out again after seeing red with burning eyes as I had attempted to wash my face.  I had no idea it was rocoto until John came home and opened the fridge looking for his beloved rocoto! Shoutout to John for pushing me to learn to cook on my own with the phrase, "con confianza Christie, con confianza."  Se cocina con confianza.
One of my favorite pastimes was definitely cooking alongside friends and family in Peru.  There is a real beauty and art to it and it has brought me to love the kitchen.

On technology: Upon arriving to the states, I had a cell-phone and lived once again in a home with wifi, two things I was intentionally without for two years.  Whatsapp and Facebook work wonders in keeping in touch with the world.

On living simply:  I came home to raid my closet and donate bags of clothes and as my little brother quickly noticed, I wore only clothes from Peru.  I now strive to keep my home clutter-free, separating wants from needs. As always, I am still working on this pillar.

On re-entering:
Transition sucks. We all know it to be true.  From transitioning to middle school, to high school, to college, to living away from home, to a new job, to any sort of change in life really, it is by no means easy.  Reflecting on my re-entrance into the US, I'll admit it has not been graceful and sometimes it really feels like learning to stand on my two feet again.
The following list is a list of things that occurred during the transition, some only fully understood by former JVs, in an attempt to adapt to "being" here.

• wanting to call loved ones, but afraid of simply bursting into tears
• doing said thing, and yes, tears.
• wanting nothing more and nothing less than eating travesuras and watching movies with my best friend.
• actually missing and desiring to be handwashing clothes with Maddie on the patio of Casa Fred Green, Bolivar in hand, blasting Beyonce
• strolling into a dollar tree to buy my favorite childhood candy..blasting nostalgic music in my big old school headphones
• struggling to just "be" but being assured the beauty behind that example
• experiencing unrest
• eating too much macaroni and cheese and frozen pizzas
• not being able to find the english words for something, stopping myself to apologize only to be assured by a lifelong friend, "no it's ok I understand"
• accepting invitations to speak of my time as a JV
• leaving said events feeling 'there is still so much to say'
• practicing self care
• feeling a flood of feelings
• traveling long distances to visit loved ones
• traveling via bus and being asked to watch a bag, freaking out for a second, contrabando!?
• attending parties waiting for la hora loca
• struggling with the latest technology
• riding my first uber in complete amazement
• distance is hard
• Salud!

and I'll say it again

"I'm still very much arriving"
sometimes that's all there is to say..
stay tuned for the next blog posts, "On longing" and "On being"

for those of you still with me, thank you, thank you for welcoming me back, thank you for praying for me all the while, for attending my talks, and for being fans of a human with a simple mission....
 to love.

*The first picture is a view of Tacna coming back from my last visit to Ticaco (a district of Tacna at an elevation of roughly 3500 m-11,482 ft)

Pisar Tierra

"Si vas a vivir a otras tierras, diles lo que pasa aqui en verdad"

Pisar tierra.
Como ser humano es necesario.
Es necesario no solo caminar si no pisar tierra. Es darse cuenta de la humanidad de cada persona y amar a cada persona tal como son. Es algo que te llena de humildez, de gratitud, de gracia, de fuerza. Fuerza para seguir pisando tierra. Aunque la tierra sea differente o nueva, la tierra es sagrada y cada paso adelante recordaras todo lo sagrado que has pisado, lo que has caminado, lo que has vivido y intentaras honrarlo, las personas que encontraste en tu camino, las personas que cambiaron tu vida, las personas que amas, las experiencias, las aventuras, la vida cotidiana, los duelos del corazón, todo lo aprendido Y daras gracias.
Empiezo hoy.

Con corazón

amor amor amor

Si tenía que elegir una palabra para describir mis dos años aca en el Perú, eligeria ¨amor´´

Amo a este país maravilloso. Amo el trabajo realizado. Amo todo lo que he vivido. Amo a Casa Fred Green.  Amo el voluntariado. Amo a Dios y amo a todos las personas que me han impactado de una forma o otra, todos ustedes. 

Despedirme no es nada fácil, creo que es lo mas difícil que he vivido.

Yo me entrego.

Desde que llegue he sentido un inmenso amor dirigido hacia mí. Era algo que internamente luchaba contra.  Me emocionaba porque aun sabiendo que mi estadía era por 2 años la gente igual me quería y abrieron sus corazones, sus brazos, hacia mí.  Me ha costado entenderlo pero ahora se que todo este tiempo ha sido diosito cuidándome.  El amor de dios es uno que te sigue y que te abraza siempre aunque a veces no nos damos cuenta. Es un amor que hace lograr sentirte en casa en el extranjero.  Sentirte amada. Es un amor que te hace ser cosas nuevas como ser un mago de ingles como saben Morayma, Ines, Ivonne, Juanita, Jesus, es cocinar con confianza en vez de miedo como John, es tener mi taller de baile con mis pequeños gracias al Centro Cristo Rey, es tener y amar una hermanita, Micaela, es liderar un grupo de adolescentes en la sierra de ticaco en todo amar y servir grupo treees, es enseñar un amigo ingles en tus unicas tardes libres,Reimil, es ser madrina de un equipo de futbol, Nacho, Efra y 28 de agosto, es ir a los partidos con una vuvuzela recordando mi papa, es ser madrina de bautizo y poder guiar una pequeña llamada Valeska en este mundo con fe y mucha alegría gracias a Luz y Alex, es tener unas amigas que te dan los mejores consejos porque realmente te conocen, Helen, Senaida y Mayra, y es tener amigos que te hacen reir como nunca, Johnny y compañeros de vida que entienden como has crecido, Emily, Megan, John, Maddie, Shannon y ahora Hannah, Ani y Kristin, es llorar en todos los momentos que tocan tu corazón, a veces juntas, Ginna, pero mas que todo es dar gracias, gracias por tocar mi corazón, por abrirlo, por romperlo, por juntarlo de nuevo con mucho amor y cariño. Gracias por acoger mi corazón, uno sensible pero uno que se despide llena que nunca olvidara lo que he vivido en Tacna y pienso que siempre estaré regresando. Asi que solo es un hasta pronto mi familia tacñena. Los quiero mucho. Gracias.

como dice una amiga querida mía, Hna. Yoli...
 ¨conmigo vas, mi corazón te lleva¨

---

If I had to choose one word to describe my two years here in Peru, I would choose "love"

I love this wonderful country. I love the work I´ve done. I love everything I've lived. I love Casa Fred Green. I love being a JV. I love God and I love all the people who have impacted me in one way or another, all of you.

Saying goodbye to Tacna is not easy, I think it's the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

I give my all.

Since I arrived I have felt an immense love towards me. It was something I struggled with. I didn´t understand how even knowing that my stay was for 2 years, people loved me and opened their hearts, their arms, towards me. But now I know that all this time God was taking care of me. God's love is one that follows you and embraces you always, although sometimes we do not realize it. It is a love that makes you feel at home abroad. Feeling loved. It is a love that makes you do new things like being an English Wizard as  Morayma, Ines, Ivonne, Juanita, Jesus know, its cooking with confidence instead of fear like John, its having my dance workshop with my little kids thanks to the Centro Cristo Rey, its having and loving a little sister, Micaela, its leading a group of teenagers in the mountain of ticaco to love and to serve ...group treees, its teaching English to a friend  on your only free nights, Reimil, its being a godmother of a little league soccer team Nacho, Efra and 28 de agosto, its going to the soccer games with a vuvuzela like my dad, its being a godmother of baptism and being able to guide a small child named Valeska in this world with faith and lots of joy thanks to Luz and Alex, its having friends who give you the best advice because they really know you, Helen, Senaida and Mayra, and it's having friends who make you laugh, Johnny and community mates who understand how you've grown, Emily, Megan, John, Maddie, Shannon and now Hannah, Ani and Kristin, its crying in all the moments that touch your heart, sometimes together, Ginna, but more than everything its giving thanks, thanks for touching my heart, for opening it, for breaking it, for putting it together again with alot of love and affection. Thank you for accepting my heart, a sensitive one but a full one that will never forget what I have lived in Tacna and I know I will always be coming back. So it's only a see you soon, my Tacna family. I love you so much. Thank you.

like one of my beloved friends says, Hermana Yoli....
¨with me you go, my heart carries you´´ 

State of Grace

This is the golden age of something good and right and real. 

–Taylor Swift´s State of Grace

(pictured above, my best friend since kindergarten, Lauren, on her visit to Tacna, meeting my goddaughter, an unexpected beautiful divine grace)

Grace

·       The freely given unmerited favor and love of God

·       The influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them

·       Virtue or excellence of divine origin

These days I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of grace, well these past months really.  It´s a grace that brings tears to my eyes. Because, the further I go, the further I walk, the further I dance my heart into life here, the closer I feel to His divine presence. I fall in love in an instant with people, with moments, with my job, with a piece of tres leches cake, with a song (insert Andas en Mi cabeza) but more importantly with the grace, and the provider of that grace. He keeps me dancing here.

I am graced..

I am graced to be entrusted with so much

I am graced to be changed

I am graced with a love for my work

I am graced with a people to love

Little and big

Near and far

I am graced to love so immensely with a heart that breaks

I am graced to be me

I am graced with the power to come a stranger to a place and leave a friend

I am nowhere near ready to be leaving this place and I don’t think I will ever be but I know one thing is for sure,

 this state of grace is eternal

 and eternally,

I will dance to its beat.

Graced with gratitude, words are just not enough.

So here are my graces these days in pictures…

mis pequeño futbolistas, 28 de agosto little league soccer team I am godmother to, vuvuzela Saturdays are whats up.

my dancers and I at the Centro Cristo Rey, las penas se van bailando. My students have stories and I believe dancing es poderoso.

Iquitos with Senaida Jul. 27-Aug. 3, 2016, it was a vacation into the Amazon but also an opportunity to meet my best friends sister who serves as a religious sister in Iquitos. Here we are accompanying Hna. Maritza on mission in Puerto Prado, a village on the river about 3 hours from the city that runs into the Amazon river.

Ticaco with Luz, Aug. 4, 2016, visiting a pueblo close to my heart, home to my two mes de misiones, but now home to the special moment that was accompanying my beautiful friend Luz as she carried La Virgen de Las Nieves in gratitude for the gift of her beautiful daughter.

Lauren & Pats visit to Tacna, Aug. 22, 2016, where I was able to share my life with them, my host family, my friends, my goddaughter, my students, my favorite foods and all of Tacnas graces. Thank you thank you and thank you.

My first graders,  Aug. 26, 2016, I have learned all their names so quickly this year (probably because theyre such a wild bunch) but walking alongside them in the paseo de la bandera celebrating the independence of Tacna was an honor. Plus theyre just SO stinking cute.  Fe y Alegria, SIEMPRE PRESENTE!

Blessing and Dedication Ceremony of Casa Fred Green, Aug. 27, 2016: having a moment with Padre Fred Green on his grand despedida tour of Tacna as he is now retiring to the Jesuit home in Lima was also a huge honor, Padre Fred vowed to ¨vivir y morir en la compañia.´´ He is an incredible human, a living saint for Tacna, and is the reason I, as a Jesuit Volunteer am in Tacna as he was the first to invite us to serve here.

God Bless Padre Fred and God Bless Casa Fred Green.

For the light of love is born when our hearts are touched and we open ourselves to the interior presence of the beloved, who enables us to recognize his mystery. -Pope Francis