keep moving

the feeling of defeat

the feeling of triumph

sometimes you get lost.

sometimes you have to walk confidently in any direction

sometimes you have to fight

yourself.

FOR yourself

fight with yourself 

fight to let go of the expectations

to slowly shed them

to let time be

to be

sometimes you feel

ruined for life 

again

sometimes you feel

a taste of home

not a bitter taste

but a sweet taste

sometimes you don't

and its lonely

bare

uncomfortable

fragile

if you look for the light daily

even if its a speck

it changes things

you honor the feeling

let your body feel it too

which takes patience with yourself

grace

and love

self-love

when am I going to feel it again?

Its the feeling of arriving

the freedom

what are you arriving to?

who are you arriving to?

is there a timeline?

no cariño there isn't

there never was 

so give yourself the time

make the space

sit with it

give yourself permission

it may be a while

but it won't be forever

keep moving

you're already there

Vidas Paralelas

two years.

two years since my last post. two years is how long I lived in Perú.

nine years ago, NINE YEARS AGO, I was awaiting my departure for Perú.....

pucha... chuta..   (version chilena pronto)   

que loco.

nine years later, me vienen tantos recuerdos.

mis mejores amigos en Perú....que todavia me escriben y mi corazon sonrie en pensar que LA reunion viene pronto. waaaah!

I have VERY specific dreams that bring me back THERE, It's like waking up.... to life, to people, to places, to food, to discomfort, using el "thermos" or "califon," to nostalgic smells (el olor de protex jaja), to the new, to the unknown ahead, es pensar en soles en vez de dolares en Ecuador (oops), it's waking up again to something...something beautiful...

Que bonito as recordar.

es "me acuerdo" no "me recuerdo"  iykyk

nine years ago, I was not who I am today.

how humbling it is to be back in the southern hemisphere, a place que me movio el corazón hace tantos años.

how beautiful to know what my heart needs and to go after it con todo mi ser.

it's funny to lean in.

to lean into the unknown.

I don't know what awaits me but I know it will be GOOD.

I let go

dejo ir

of expectation

las expectativas

of comparison

sin comparar

and lean in

me inclino

a esta vida paralela.

el reggaeton de las mañanas (the trash truck en Habitat) se convierta en una cancion de el señor de gas (en La Floresta) 

me encuentro en cafes, en discotecas, en iglesias, en casas acogedoras, en familia, con lagrimas, llena de emoción, con ganas de bailar, despedidas que duelen pero mas que todo

 con esperanza.

como me preguntaba mi abuela Esperanza

¿estas feliz?

"si"

y pronto

"si, po!"

(besos hasta el cielo abuela)

 que seas feliz para siempre.

Cruzando Caminos

 

Memphis, 

Home of the Blues and birthplace of Rock 'n Roll

4 years ago, I arrived to you, to a surprisingly familiar summer humidity, to your barbecue (forever a Central fan), to a city spread out sparking this small city girl's interest but also still getting lost around here, like, still, to swing dancing at Rumba Room quickly converting into endless Salsa nights to fine tuning our bachata skills, to a small grad school cohort of cool peeps, to Rosa Deal: the only building I know at CBU, to teaching PreK4 with a legend, teaching K with the dream team, teaching my very own class all day every day, to an amazing roommate quickly turned friend, coworker turned best friend and partner en las aventuras de la vida, los amigos que llegaron solitos, la compañia de mi corazon

Memphis grew on me so much that I decided to stay a little while longer after graduating.  I started to feel its warm embrace, to let myself be embraced, to once again become a part of something.  

During these last few days, weeks, months and years, I have shared moments with some incredible people, people who tugged on my heart strings, moved me, pushed me to grow, but most importantly they reminded me that I was right where I was supposed to be, and to just ride the wave.  During this last wave, I've swam, I've sunk, I've come up for air but I've also surfed! Don't ask me to do that in real life, I'm terrible at it, Nicaraguan waters are my witness. 

I surfed during the most precious moments, the smallest ones, the smallest gestures, the invitations, the laughs, the tears, the spontaneous moments even the frustrations.

Oh the serendipity. THOSE moments are the ones that make goodbyes so hard but also the ones that give the endings a happy note and a deep hope for whatever it is that is coming.

I will leave you with my happy note in spanish:

Al final te das cuenta que hay huellas, huellas detras de ti, huellas que compartistes, huellas quizas dejados medio camino, huellas tan llenas y completas que aparentan estar bailando, huellas descalzas, huellas con botas de combate, huellas firmes, huellas inestables, huellas se dejan, no se pueden recoger y empacar, no los puedes cargar.

pero las huellas del corazon, esos son diferentes, esos se quedan para siempre, marcando tus experiencias, marcando tu forma de ser, marcando tu forma de pensar, tu punto de vista

que bonito es contar con huellas, esas huellas inolvidables, esas huellas cuando cruzaste caminos.

En la vida las cosas tienen que fluir como tienen que fluir, y van a fluir como deben de fluir. primero Dios.

Confiamos en los pasos de Dios, que El lo sabe todo, El nos guia, sus huellas siempre estan ahi.

que afortunada soy de poder cruzar caminos

 para dar la bienvenida a los nuevos caminos es importantisimo los agradecimientos.

agradezco a Memphis por todo lo bonito que me regalo, las amistades que duraran para siempre, los momentos guardados en mi corazon y mas que todo por estos ultimos abrazos los que fueron en persona fisicamente pero tambien para los abrazos del corazon. gracias por los abrazos Memphis,  aqui te dejo uno FUERTISIMO y espero que se sienta por mucho tiempo mas.

gracias por cruzar mi camino y por darme la bienvenida

gracias por amarme, por darme cariño, y acoger este corazon que se mueve mas fuerte, mas lleno y siempre con mucho mucho amor.

you know who you are mi gente, love you always.

Comfort in Company

The little companion pictured above accompanies 3 women that I love very much and most recently my brother too. She offers the world sweet snuggles and a gentle sometimes fierce spirit. I found comfort in her company here.

As this year comes to a close, I wanted to reflect on the many gifts this year offered.

January.... teaching the nuggets flew by as fast as the little hope of snow humorously flew past us all in the south. Ivette visited Memphis!

February brought attending a university event as a grad student and quickly realizing we just came for the free chickfilia, a llama cake rang in my 27th year, bad bunny attitude with Ozuna feelings.

March brought a surprise visit to momma for her birthday on my way to celebrate beautiful Megan’s wedding as well as a visit with dear old friends, my first 901 memphis soccer game, roomie bonding riverside biking, one of my students gifted me a mermaid tail, a classroom dream come true, March ended with an amazing bucket list serenade by Reik in Atlanta alongside my best friends.

April finally revealed my upcoming summer trip to Peru to my old peruvian students via a fun puzzle that disclosed a mystery message, we made it to Easter break with the nuggets rocking and rolling in the classroom, I drove back from Easter break with new wheels, thanks mami and papi!

May brought goodbyes to my peruvian friend Br. Henry, exploring Memphis with Vanessa and the family, the college graduation tradition (or should I say curse?) of rain followed me as I walked across the stage to receive my Masters but I still got to celebrate with all those I love, indoors! Then the celebration continued at Tulane Law with another graduation! Congrats Chris! The nuggets graduated K too! Celebrated another bff's birthday! My godmother joined the choir of angels in heaven after a long and hard fight, always in our hearts, que descanses en paz Madrina bella.

June brought the second half of my Reading Specialist training (SMILA) with fun friends, I enjoyed teaching the older nuggets, we had one last hurrah in Avery with the longest attempt at barbecueing burgers ever but in the company of seriously loyal friends, the Jonas sisters were reunited for Stephanies beautiful wedding (#minnicktowinit #CheersChristie!) the last week finally brought me good rest at home while packing for Peru.

July brought a moment I had been waiting for since I left Peru in January 2017, as I returned to visit and stay with my lovely host family once again, I accompanied my dear friend Hermana Yoli in Canto Chico in Lima for several days, then arrived to the Tacna airport with Grupo 3 holding their sweet poster with our pictures all over it welcoming me back, it was a month of sweet reunions and reminiscing, eating my favorite meals, hanging out with my adorable goddaughter, my host cousins, dancing marinera with my host sister, being taken care of by my sweet host mom when I got sick, eating pollo a la brasa while sick because who can say no to pollo a la brasa? meeting the new JVs and loving them, visiting my burger bestie luchito, karoake, burgers and mojitos at the newest bar in Tacna with my favorite squad, finally cooking picadillo for my entire host family, having a photoshoot with Mica at my host Dads fire station, baking brownies with the mes de misión kids now college kids, going out with Ginna and the crew, the best salchipapas I’ve ever had with Mayra and girls night living on, being showered once again with immense love at Fe y Alegría and getting to share an office with my best friends again as I read to the littlest nuggets at school, and who can forget getting to celebrate 4th of July in TacBloc and channeling my inner chibola. Oh say can you see

Leaving still brought tears to my eyes and tugged at my heart as a people I love so much once again showed me an immense love that continues to form and shape me.

Once stateside I moved into my first place!

August brought a sweet weekend trip to NOLA to see Maddie, free night kayaking on the river in memphis, and I met and welcomed my new nuggets to K! I also sprained both of my ankles...and Guadalupe dance practice also began.

September brought ChairFest to life and my friend celebrated her golden 21st birthday and I surprised Tía Rosy for her 60th birthday

October brought Rompe Fest to life and in K we found great joy in the nuggets learning to read their first words! I got to hang out with Hna Yoli and Hna Maritza stateside in St Louis with a fun visit to the zoo and pizza and shortly after celebrate another bff's birthday!

November brought Coquito season in full swing and a much needed break at thanksgiving home with family and friends.

December brought dancing for Our Lady of Guadalupe and mom and dad came for the festivities, K put on the Christmas Play the same week, “We bring wool!”

Christmas in Miami brought sunshine, Coquito, frijole freak family Friday, reunions, the Everglades, Miccosukee Casino, brunch, painting with a twist and lots of family love!

As I reflect on the joys and aches of this year I am reminded who’s behind the head and the heart. As I prepare to ring in new beginnings and new ventures I try not to feel restless anticipating what is waiting. I remember that wise men still seek Him.

And I leave you with some profound wise words from Pope John Paul II to reflect upon:

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”

Be humble, be patient and make the world more human y’all.

In whatever part of the world you are in, be great in your own little way.

And May you find comfort in the company you keep this year. May it be good as He is good.

Despierta Corazon, Despierta

Soñar despierta.

Soñar despierta es tener esperanza,
tener esperanza que todo ira bien
tener esperanza que fluye
que fluye constante sin dudar
es tener confianza en uno mismo
que lo esperado sera todo lo esperado
que lo esperado no sera en vano
que todo el tiempo pasado valdro la pena
tener esperanza es saber que la espera no tiene falta
en la vida de nadie
todos esperamos
algo
algo mas
algo que nos abraza y nos dice te amo
te adoro tal como eres
que me complementas 
la persona que entiende que habra error
pero en el amor hay que pedir perdon
el asombro
de las nubes
antes que baje el sol
el brillo
a mi estilo
que las raices no solo se sienten
se aumenten
iluminame
que al no saber lo que viene
es valorar a lo que tiene
y si lo que uno tiene
solo es un poquitito de esperanza
que ese pedacito de mi corazon se estalle
y se quede en el mismo momento donde no dudabas lo que fue, lo que es y lo que sera.
en vez vivirá

vivirás
bailarás
reirás
soñarás

Si la puerta esta abierta.

Podrás soñar despierta.

 despierta,

corazón

despierta.

si en algun momento no vez la puerta abierta, ten esperanza, haz una danza, grita al mundo, y a tu rumbo, despierta!

En esta semana santa, despertamos al mundo que nos espera.
Cada año nuestros corazones reciben una llamada.
Contestaras?

"For God so loved the world

you know how that one ends...

that he gave His only son." John 3:16


to love the world
what a thought eh
have you ever really thought about that kind of existential abounding endless unconditional kind of love?
As I have recently begun to dig, to really dig deep in my world, I have come to some rather quaint assumptions on my own.
They involve new little loves like creating little spaces that remind me of all my little loves around the world.
I began to create spaces like the one pictured above in an attempt to heal.
special shoutout to an amazing organization, FMTM.


I think we all have some healing to do.
For some it may seem heavier and for some lighter, or maybe it hasn't really surfaced yet.
it's easy to push something aside and say "I'll deal with that later" like not washing the bowl of cereal you just ate from knowing when you get home from a long day at work and all you wanna do is plop down on your bed and maybe eat another bowl of cereal....you immediately wish you'd washed that bowl earlier. or maybe it's the answer you give to the question, "how are you?" whether its terribly unfinished or tragically false, you didn't empty your cup and fill it back up again. The thing within you wanting to be said never even gets touched. and your heart, your heart gets harder.
 Maybe you never knew you needed healing?  Everybody hurts (thanks R.E.M. circa 1992)


a need for healing.
how could God have trusted the entire world his one and only son?
I think he saw our need to heal. a very human need at that.
do we give ourselves the time needed to heal though?
are we intentional with the way we spend our quiet time?
do we trust others with our world?
just because our world is easily tuned out or quickly misunderstood, doesn't mean it shouldn't be put out there. be fearless.
It's hard to trust.
es dificil confiar.
dejalo ir.
let it go.
no significa olvidar.
it doesn't mean forget.
 it is a slow work.


instead form that memory, that beauty into something greater, something better, let it define you, everything you do. GROW.


with healing comes fruition


a new blossoming, a growing where you're planted kinda attitude.
He SO loved the world
that He GAVE his only son.
can you imagine giving away your most prized possession?
saying goodbye to something or someone you love the most?
I can
and
it HURTS.
but by His wounds we are healed.


say yes to sharing.
say yes to trusting.
say yes to the humanness of hurting.
but more importantly say yes to healing.
wherever you are.
in whatever state you may be in.
confia. trust.
He loved the world THAT much.
trust him with your world.




con corazón.

To Resurrect: Resucitar

Resucito, Resucito, Resucito! 🎶
Dios resucito al tercia dia
todos lo sabemos
pero todos lo entendemos?
In a tradition that happens every year since Jesus' resurrection (Semana Santa, Holy Week)
it's easy to get wrapped up in this concept of a "break," the Easter food and festivities etc.
What a wonderful world we live in to be able to give that time, to be able to take Good Friday off those who do not have it off already.
I remember a good friend asking me about 2 years ago while I was in Peru
what have you resurrected to?
WHAT A QUESTION
I still can't answer it.
But I am constantly searching for answers
as I sit here and write this blog post before completing my homework and other "pendientes"
What's on my heart weighs heavier than what's in front of me sometimes
let it out yall.
LET IT OUT.
As one of my high school religion teachers used to say "I digress"
A ver....
Back to the question
What have you resurrected to?
Have you kept your Lenten promise?
Have you met a goal recently?
any small goal merits a small triumph!
Next week, I embark on a small journey to Chicago for a From Mission to Mission retreat.
Its been a goal of mine for a while now.
I finally did it, I booked that flight, I am GOING. what awaits my heart is unknown. but I must trust.
In the midst of the biggest semester of graduate school as I finalize my thesis "para sustentar" to present it..
It is probably the farthest from the PERFECT time to give up 3 days to "retreat"
But it is never going to be the PERFECT time.
As I am asked to gather up some pictures to bring to share my story and as I am told, it's great that you are coming, most people cry if they come their first year back...
here I am still crying simply at the thought of the opportunity to start sharing. HA!
Thats who I am though. I cry. I process. cry. repeat. cry. repeat.
Though my journey seems different sometimes, everyone's journey is. everyone's journey is wrapped in uniqueness, in a difference that only God made uniquely yours. No one can taint it or take that away. it is yours. YOURS and God's of course. ;)
there is a certain beauty surrounding that.
I lose sight of it sometimes.
and I question, I doubt, I even forget to love.
so I'd like to resurrect to love.
to a love that Jesus showed us all on that cross, the ultimate sacrifice. 
As I step forward out of Lent and into Easter, the journey to love continues.
Different vocations.
Different paths.
Different lights are shown to us.
Different blessings are brought to each of us.
So I ask you this..
what blessing is in front of you right now?
maybe its an iced caramel espresso latte and graduate work like me.
maybe its a loved one
maybes it a snack
maybe its a cat
maybe its food.
maybe its just YOU

rise.

&

resurrect.


remember how loved you are.

Happy Easter. FELICES PASCUAS.