abraza la ilusión

I once was someone who biked to work

as much as what I was feeling at the time attempted to tear me down

as much as my legs worked extra hard because I am pretty sure one tire was always flat

as much as I wanted to take the easy way out

the crowded bus that made me feel like a sardine was not easy

a car was not within the means

so BLESS that bike

I needed that challenge daily

and I needed that time

despite wanting to give up

I kept moving

movement has always permitted me to feel 

to feel that which is speaking loudly

it is our internal compass

we all have it

but we don't always listen to it or even invite it to the table

but over time, you'll learn that the only one inflicting the damage is you

it's not the society

it's not  the job

it's not the place

it's not the person

it's you

are you listening to you?

are you honoring what you need?

what you want?

what you long for?

Let me tell you, the soreness was real at the beginning

the fear of crossing the street existed

but there was a point on the journey in which

I could take one look to the mountains crossing over the bridge

to the left was my daily life and the costanera center and to the right was a long road leading to somewhere in the mountains above the valley, la cordillera

at that time

I was teaching . . 

the teaching profession has hard days

it has days that tear you down

that humble you

that teach you

that carry you

that lift you

that exhaust you

that show you

that leave you

that stay with you

that care for you

that listen 

that love you

that don't love you

yet through it all

 may we always choose growth 

may we always give ourselves permission to dream

may we always allow our dreams to flourish

I still feel all of those things

today I drive many miles down winding roads

visiting homes and babies

all the while looking for that pies en la tierra feeling, the grounding

looking to the mountains remembering the people who remind me of love

its been a couple of months since I chose to begin again

but I still live in the moments, I still live in love, I still remember

the body remembers

and I welcome the rememberings 

they are a part of me now

I light a candle

I remind myself I've been here before

and that I am here now

y que queda mucho por sentir

 me emociona los abrazos, me emociona los abrazos que estoy esperando y me emociona la idea que quedan muchos mas abrazos en esta vida

y en fin

abrazo la ilusion 

de mis sueños   

siempre habra mas.

quizas soy alguien que se ilusiona facilmente, al tiro, al toque . . .

pero no ilusionarme seria no amarme

y amarme 

es abrazarme

may "we truly find rest in those we love, and may "we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us" - St. Bernard of Clairvaux

may we always look to the mountains.

nine is fine.

  

2014, Tacna, Perú.                    2024, Santiago, Chile

In honor of today marking 10 years since I landed in Peru and funny enough 1 year and 2 months of being back in South America, and on my way out... Here's what I would say to the me of 10 years ago who was about to start her first school year:

(Fresh out of college embarking on a two year adventure in Tacna, Perú as a JV and a teacher... )

"This is not the only time your heart will break,

this isn't the only goodbye, this isn't the only thank you for crossing my path, the only did I do that right ? the only group of kids you'll love and miss when they move on, the only discovery, the only little light shining through the hard days, the only deep breath taken, the only leap into the unknown, the only long day, the only kindergarten graduation, the only 1st Communion, the only parent teacher conference, the only challenging parent, the only incredible parent, the only amazing coworker, the only sleepless night, the only overslept morning, the only holiday spent recovering, the only new hobby explored.....perhaps they were firsts and maybe they will be lasts but life will give you many...  many people that will leave, many people that will stay, many injustices will be witnessed, many triumphs will be had, many good times just as much as the bad times...

Through it all you'll recognize your strength and your power, but most importantly you'll recognize that leaving doesn't make you weak because loving makes you strong, loving the you that has emerged, loving the one you're becoming and loving the adventure that is this one life we have to live. 

And nine, nine is fine."

Maybe this IS my last school year but its only the beginning of something else just as wild and incredibly magical and beautiful. 

Here's to packing my bags, dancing the last days I have left in Chile, boarding a plane with tears in my eyes... derecho a lo difícil.

the space

What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

we all know this question, we've all heard it and we continue to ask each other, ALL THE TIME.

so what are your plans after this?

after this.

this?

THIS is all we have mi gente

the present moment

the here, the now, el aqui, el ahora

I plan to LIVE the rest of my life

but, let's hear it, for real for real...

What do I feel inspired to explore more deeply at this point in my life?

side note, real quick:

Enrique Iglesias...

yes ENRIQUE

he came out with a new song

with Miranda Lambert (a while ago now)

my latina raised in alabama heart was warmed

They talk about having a space in their heart for someone or something

it is super sweet and cheesy claro

but my point is, we all have space in our hearts for that which hasn't arrived yet

our hearts are expansive

and our hearts know who and what and where is good for them

and thats a sacred space

that doesn't have to be explained to anyone and the one exploring it and experiencing it is you and only YOU.

as I think back on my summer break (Janaury and February in the southern hemisphere)

I give thanks for all those who were placed in that space in my heart

the friends who traveled so far to spend time together and visit some of the most amazing places on earth with me

the family who loved me in this in-between when I was feeling far

the friends who watch me dream and somehow feel as if they are standing right next to me even though they are miles and  miles away

sometimes we are called to feel that space in our heart, to connect with it when it needs some love, to be in tune with it, to guard it, to protect it, to let it be our guide and to love it enough to know what is GOOD

so what about the space?

so what?

there is always room

and if you lean in sometimes you'll just be surprised

What do I feel inspired to explore more deeply at this point in my life?

the here and the now

el aqui y el ahora

I feel like exploring, 

simply,

following those and that which inspires me

letting myself be led 

paving the way

knowing a good thing when I feel it and just going with it

swerving the not so good things

going with the flow

welcoming the heart break

to expand 

into the space

the space in my heart 💓

keep moving

the feeling of defeat

the feeling of triumph

sometimes you get lost.

sometimes you have to walk confidently in any direction

sometimes you have to fight

yourself.

FOR yourself

fight with yourself 

fight to let go of the expectations

to slowly shed them

to let time be

to be

sometimes you feel

ruined for life 

again

sometimes you feel

a taste of home

not a bitter taste

but a sweet taste

sometimes you don't

and its lonely

bare

uncomfortable

fragile

if you look for the light daily

even if its a speck

it changes things

you honor the feeling

let your body feel it too

which takes patience with yourself

grace

and love

self-love

when am I going to feel it again?

Its the feeling of arriving

the freedom

what are you arriving to?

who are you arriving to?

is there a timeline?

no cariño there isn't

there never was 

so give yourself the time

make the space

sit with it

give yourself permission

it may be a while

but it won't be forever

keep moving

you're already there

Vidas Paralelas

two years.

two years since my last post. two years is how long I lived in Perú.

nine years ago, NINE YEARS AGO, I was awaiting my departure for Perú.....

pucha... chuta..   (version chilena pronto)   

que loco.

nine years later, me vienen tantos recuerdos.

mis mejores amigos en Perú....que todavia me escriben y mi corazon sonrie en pensar que LA reunion viene pronto. waaaah!

I have VERY specific dreams that bring me back THERE, It's like waking up.... to life, to people, to places, to food, to discomfort, using el "thermos" or "califon," to nostalgic smells (el olor de protex jaja), to the new, to the unknown ahead, es pensar en soles en vez de dolares en Ecuador (oops), it's waking up again to something...something beautiful...

Que bonito as recordar.

es "me acuerdo" no "me recuerdo"  iykyk

nine years ago, I was not who I am today.

how humbling it is to be back in the southern hemisphere, a place que me movio el corazón hace tantos años.

how beautiful to know what my heart needs and to go after it con todo mi ser.

it's funny to lean in.

to lean into the unknown.

I don't know what awaits me but I know it will be GOOD.

I let go

dejo ir

of expectation

las expectativas

of comparison

sin comparar

and lean in

me inclino

a esta vida paralela.

el reggaeton de las mañanas (the trash truck en Habitat) se convierta en una cancion de el señor de gas (en La Floresta) 

me encuentro en cafes, en discotecas, en iglesias, en casas acogedoras, en familia, con lagrimas, llena de emoción, con ganas de bailar, despedidas que duelen pero mas que todo

 con esperanza.

como me preguntaba mi abuela Esperanza

¿estas feliz?

"si"

y pronto

"si, po!"

(besos hasta el cielo abuela)

 que seas feliz para siempre.

Cruzando Caminos

 

Memphis, 

Home of the Blues and birthplace of Rock 'n Roll

4 years ago, I arrived to you, to a surprisingly familiar summer humidity, to your barbecue (forever a Central fan), to a city spread out sparking this small city girl's interest but also still getting lost around here, like, still, to swing dancing at Rumba Room quickly converting into endless Salsa nights to fine tuning our bachata skills, to a small grad school cohort of cool peeps, to Rosa Deal: the only building I know at CBU, to teaching PreK4 with a legend, teaching K with the dream team, teaching my very own class all day every day, to an amazing roommate quickly turned friend, coworker turned best friend and partner en las aventuras de la vida, los amigos que llegaron solitos, la compañia de mi corazon

Memphis grew on me so much that I decided to stay a little while longer after graduating.  I started to feel its warm embrace, to let myself be embraced, to once again become a part of something.  

During these last few days, weeks, months and years, I have shared moments with some incredible people, people who tugged on my heart strings, moved me, pushed me to grow, but most importantly they reminded me that I was right where I was supposed to be, and to just ride the wave.  During this last wave, I've swam, I've sunk, I've come up for air but I've also surfed! Don't ask me to do that in real life, I'm terrible at it, Nicaraguan waters are my witness. 

I surfed during the most precious moments, the smallest ones, the smallest gestures, the invitations, the laughs, the tears, the spontaneous moments even the frustrations.

Oh the serendipity. THOSE moments are the ones that make goodbyes so hard but also the ones that give the endings a happy note and a deep hope for whatever it is that is coming.

I will leave you with my happy note in spanish:

Al final te das cuenta que hay huellas, huellas detras de ti, huellas que compartistes, huellas quizas dejados medio camino, huellas tan llenas y completas que aparentan estar bailando, huellas descalzas, huellas con botas de combate, huellas firmes, huellas inestables, huellas se dejan, no se pueden recoger y empacar, no los puedes cargar.

pero las huellas del corazon, esos son diferentes, esos se quedan para siempre, marcando tus experiencias, marcando tu forma de ser, marcando tu forma de pensar, tu punto de vista

que bonito es contar con huellas, esas huellas inolvidables, esas huellas cuando cruzaste caminos.

En la vida las cosas tienen que fluir como tienen que fluir, y van a fluir como deben de fluir. primero Dios.

Confiamos en los pasos de Dios, que El lo sabe todo, El nos guia, sus huellas siempre estan ahi.

que afortunada soy de poder cruzar caminos

 para dar la bienvenida a los nuevos caminos es importantisimo los agradecimientos.

agradezco a Memphis por todo lo bonito que me regalo, las amistades que duraran para siempre, los momentos guardados en mi corazon y mas que todo por estos ultimos abrazos los que fueron en persona fisicamente pero tambien para los abrazos del corazon. gracias por los abrazos Memphis,  aqui te dejo uno FUERTISIMO y espero que se sienta por mucho tiempo mas.

gracias por cruzar mi camino y por darme la bienvenida

gracias por amarme, por darme cariño, y acoger este corazon que se mueve mas fuerte, mas lleno y siempre con mucho mucho amor.

you know who you are mi gente, love you always.

Comfort in Company

The little companion pictured above accompanies 3 women that I love very much and most recently my brother too. She offers the world sweet snuggles and a gentle sometimes fierce spirit. I found comfort in her company here.

As this year comes to a close, I wanted to reflect on the many gifts this year offered.

January.... teaching the nuggets flew by as fast as the little hope of snow humorously flew past us all in the south. Ivette visited Memphis!

February brought attending a university event as a grad student and quickly realizing we just came for the free chickfilia, a llama cake rang in my 27th year, bad bunny attitude with Ozuna feelings.

March brought a surprise visit to momma for her birthday on my way to celebrate beautiful Megan’s wedding as well as a visit with dear old friends, my first 901 memphis soccer game, roomie bonding riverside biking, one of my students gifted me a mermaid tail, a classroom dream come true, March ended with an amazing bucket list serenade by Reik in Atlanta alongside my best friends.

April finally revealed my upcoming summer trip to Peru to my old peruvian students via a fun puzzle that disclosed a mystery message, we made it to Easter break with the nuggets rocking and rolling in the classroom, I drove back from Easter break with new wheels, thanks mami and papi!

May brought goodbyes to my peruvian friend Br. Henry, exploring Memphis with Vanessa and the family, the college graduation tradition (or should I say curse?) of rain followed me as I walked across the stage to receive my Masters but I still got to celebrate with all those I love, indoors! Then the celebration continued at Tulane Law with another graduation! Congrats Chris! The nuggets graduated K too! Celebrated another bff's birthday! My godmother joined the choir of angels in heaven after a long and hard fight, always in our hearts, que descanses en paz Madrina bella.

June brought the second half of my Reading Specialist training (SMILA) with fun friends, I enjoyed teaching the older nuggets, we had one last hurrah in Avery with the longest attempt at barbecueing burgers ever but in the company of seriously loyal friends, the Jonas sisters were reunited for Stephanies beautiful wedding (#minnicktowinit #CheersChristie!) the last week finally brought me good rest at home while packing for Peru.

July brought a moment I had been waiting for since I left Peru in January 2017, as I returned to visit and stay with my lovely host family once again, I accompanied my dear friend Hermana Yoli in Canto Chico in Lima for several days, then arrived to the Tacna airport with Grupo 3 holding their sweet poster with our pictures all over it welcoming me back, it was a month of sweet reunions and reminiscing, eating my favorite meals, hanging out with my adorable goddaughter, my host cousins, dancing marinera with my host sister, being taken care of by my sweet host mom when I got sick, eating pollo a la brasa while sick because who can say no to pollo a la brasa? meeting the new JVs and loving them, visiting my burger bestie luchito, karoake, burgers and mojitos at the newest bar in Tacna with my favorite squad, finally cooking picadillo for my entire host family, having a photoshoot with Mica at my host Dads fire station, baking brownies with the mes de misión kids now college kids, going out with Ginna and the crew, the best salchipapas I’ve ever had with Mayra and girls night living on, being showered once again with immense love at Fe y Alegría and getting to share an office with my best friends again as I read to the littlest nuggets at school, and who can forget getting to celebrate 4th of July in TacBloc and channeling my inner chibola. Oh say can you see

Leaving still brought tears to my eyes and tugged at my heart as a people I love so much once again showed me an immense love that continues to form and shape me.

Once stateside I moved into my first place!

August brought a sweet weekend trip to NOLA to see Maddie, free night kayaking on the river in memphis, and I met and welcomed my new nuggets to K! I also sprained both of my ankles...and Guadalupe dance practice also began.

September brought ChairFest to life and my friend celebrated her golden 21st birthday and I surprised Tía Rosy for her 60th birthday

October brought Rompe Fest to life and in K we found great joy in the nuggets learning to read their first words! I got to hang out with Hna Yoli and Hna Maritza stateside in St Louis with a fun visit to the zoo and pizza and shortly after celebrate another bff's birthday!

November brought Coquito season in full swing and a much needed break at thanksgiving home with family and friends.

December brought dancing for Our Lady of Guadalupe and mom and dad came for the festivities, K put on the Christmas Play the same week, “We bring wool!”

Christmas in Miami brought sunshine, Coquito, frijole freak family Friday, reunions, the Everglades, Miccosukee Casino, brunch, painting with a twist and lots of family love!

As I reflect on the joys and aches of this year I am reminded who’s behind the head and the heart. As I prepare to ring in new beginnings and new ventures I try not to feel restless anticipating what is waiting. I remember that wise men still seek Him.

And I leave you with some profound wise words from Pope John Paul II to reflect upon:

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”

Be humble, be patient and make the world more human y’all.

In whatever part of the world you are in, be great in your own little way.

And May you find comfort in the company you keep this year. May it be good as He is good.

Despierta Corazon, Despierta

Soñar despierta.

Soñar despierta es tener esperanza,
tener esperanza que todo ira bien
tener esperanza que fluye
que fluye constante sin dudar
es tener confianza en uno mismo
que lo esperado sera todo lo esperado
que lo esperado no sera en vano
que todo el tiempo pasado valdro la pena
tener esperanza es saber que la espera no tiene falta
en la vida de nadie
todos esperamos
algo
algo mas
algo que nos abraza y nos dice te amo
te adoro tal como eres
que me complementas 
la persona que entiende que habra error
pero en el amor hay que pedir perdon
el asombro
de las nubes
antes que baje el sol
el brillo
a mi estilo
que las raices no solo se sienten
se aumenten
iluminame
que al no saber lo que viene
es valorar a lo que tiene
y si lo que uno tiene
solo es un poquitito de esperanza
que ese pedacito de mi corazon se estalle
y se quede en el mismo momento donde no dudabas lo que fue, lo que es y lo que sera.
en vez vivirá

vivirás
bailarás
reirás
soñarás

Si la puerta esta abierta.

Podrás soñar despierta.

 despierta,

corazón

despierta.

si en algun momento no vez la puerta abierta, ten esperanza, haz una danza, grita al mundo, y a tu rumbo, despierta!

En esta semana santa, despertamos al mundo que nos espera.
Cada año nuestros corazones reciben una llamada.
Contestaras?

"For God so loved the world

you know how that one ends...

that he gave His only son." John 3:16


to love the world
what a thought eh
have you ever really thought about that kind of existential abounding endless unconditional kind of love?
As I have recently begun to dig, to really dig deep in my world, I have come to some rather quaint assumptions on my own.
They involve new little loves like creating little spaces that remind me of all my little loves around the world.
I began to create spaces like the one pictured above in an attempt to heal.
special shoutout to an amazing organization, FMTM.


I think we all have some healing to do.
For some it may seem heavier and for some lighter, or maybe it hasn't really surfaced yet.
it's easy to push something aside and say "I'll deal with that later" like not washing the bowl of cereal you just ate from knowing when you get home from a long day at work and all you wanna do is plop down on your bed and maybe eat another bowl of cereal....you immediately wish you'd washed that bowl earlier. or maybe it's the answer you give to the question, "how are you?" whether its terribly unfinished or tragically false, you didn't empty your cup and fill it back up again. The thing within you wanting to be said never even gets touched. and your heart, your heart gets harder.
 Maybe you never knew you needed healing?  Everybody hurts (thanks R.E.M. circa 1992)


a need for healing.
how could God have trusted the entire world his one and only son?
I think he saw our need to heal. a very human need at that.
do we give ourselves the time needed to heal though?
are we intentional with the way we spend our quiet time?
do we trust others with our world?
just because our world is easily tuned out or quickly misunderstood, doesn't mean it shouldn't be put out there. be fearless.
It's hard to trust.
es dificil confiar.
dejalo ir.
let it go.
no significa olvidar.
it doesn't mean forget.
 it is a slow work.


instead form that memory, that beauty into something greater, something better, let it define you, everything you do. GROW.


with healing comes fruition


a new blossoming, a growing where you're planted kinda attitude.
He SO loved the world
that He GAVE his only son.
can you imagine giving away your most prized possession?
saying goodbye to something or someone you love the most?
I can
and
it HURTS.
but by His wounds we are healed.


say yes to sharing.
say yes to trusting.
say yes to the humanness of hurting.
but more importantly say yes to healing.
wherever you are.
in whatever state you may be in.
confia. trust.
He loved the world THAT much.
trust him with your world.




con corazón.

To Resurrect: Resucitar

Resucito, Resucito, Resucito! 🎶
Dios resucito al tercia dia
todos lo sabemos
pero todos lo entendemos?
In a tradition that happens every year since Jesus' resurrection (Semana Santa, Holy Week)
it's easy to get wrapped up in this concept of a "break," the Easter food and festivities etc.
What a wonderful world we live in to be able to give that time, to be able to take Good Friday off those who do not have it off already.
I remember a good friend asking me about 2 years ago while I was in Peru
what have you resurrected to?
WHAT A QUESTION
I still can't answer it.
But I am constantly searching for answers
as I sit here and write this blog post before completing my homework and other "pendientes"
What's on my heart weighs heavier than what's in front of me sometimes
let it out yall.
LET IT OUT.
As one of my high school religion teachers used to say "I digress"
A ver....
Back to the question
What have you resurrected to?
Have you kept your Lenten promise?
Have you met a goal recently?
any small goal merits a small triumph!
Next week, I embark on a small journey to Chicago for a From Mission to Mission retreat.
Its been a goal of mine for a while now.
I finally did it, I booked that flight, I am GOING. what awaits my heart is unknown. but I must trust.
In the midst of the biggest semester of graduate school as I finalize my thesis "para sustentar" to present it..
It is probably the farthest from the PERFECT time to give up 3 days to "retreat"
But it is never going to be the PERFECT time.
As I am asked to gather up some pictures to bring to share my story and as I am told, it's great that you are coming, most people cry if they come their first year back...
here I am still crying simply at the thought of the opportunity to start sharing. HA!
Thats who I am though. I cry. I process. cry. repeat. cry. repeat.
Though my journey seems different sometimes, everyone's journey is. everyone's journey is wrapped in uniqueness, in a difference that only God made uniquely yours. No one can taint it or take that away. it is yours. YOURS and God's of course. ;)
there is a certain beauty surrounding that.
I lose sight of it sometimes.
and I question, I doubt, I even forget to love.
so I'd like to resurrect to love.
to a love that Jesus showed us all on that cross, the ultimate sacrifice. 
As I step forward out of Lent and into Easter, the journey to love continues.
Different vocations.
Different paths.
Different lights are shown to us.
Different blessings are brought to each of us.
So I ask you this..
what blessing is in front of you right now?
maybe its an iced caramel espresso latte and graduate work like me.
maybe its a loved one
maybes it a snack
maybe its a cat
maybe its food.
maybe its just YOU

rise.

&

resurrect.


remember how loved you are.

Happy Easter. FELICES PASCUAS.

An Afterword: On Being

I feel as if I could go on and on and on and on about    "being."
It is beauty. It is grace. It is love. It is God.
God is the greatest of all "beings"
The one being who loves us far more than we could fathom.
Maybe its why being in its simplicity is so, well, not simple.

The above photo is taken in one of my favorite places in the town I grew up in on my 25th birthday, my first birthday stateside post JVC,  my brothers would roll their eyes at the sound of the restaurant's name, my dad would kindly suggest other options and my mom would say her infamous line "I go with the flow" but, in the end, we'd always end up in the same mexican restaurant whose waiters have seen me essentially grow up.  Frequented on my birthday after mozzarella sticks at Applebees were long forgotten (though I must go back) it also became frequented by everyone else in the extended family (side note: no one on his or her birthday was obligated to choose Casablanca)
 I like to think it sort of always just... happened.

Maybe that's what being is all about, the whole come what may attitude. Go with the flow. Ride the waves. as they come.
The question these months that sometimes have felt like years to me remains the same: How is it that after all of this, I am struggling "being"???
It's funny how life brings you back to certain places sometimes.
Back to certain glimpses.
For me it's standing on the corner of el mercado grau waiting for the 35 or the 5 bus to take me home where the infamous red velvet couch in Tacbloc awaited my heavy heart, drooping eyes and all of Miss Christie in whatever state I was in.  But the moment before that, standing on that corner my first months riding the waves of 1st year JV life, I longed to crawl out of my skin.
There are days I feel like a foreigner.
a traveler on the way home.
remembering the tears that sometimes streamed down my face on that long bus ride, from being a witness to the injustices of our world or simply from reveling in the abounding love I received daily that sometimes resulted in me being tackled on the floor by a bunch of 1st graders.

and I long for the relief that red velvet couch offered me.
But the truth is, I will always be a traveler, I will always be a foreigner and maybe even always long to crawl out of my skin because my home, my true home is somewhere I can't imagine, somewhere I can't grasp, somewhere I can only believe in.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am ruined for life.
I am ruined.
r-u-i-n-e-d
R-U-I-N-E-D
I have heard it over and over again from countless missioners, young and old.
but I have never really fully understood it.
I pretended I knew what they were talking about and honestly thought I did because I felt a tiny ounce of the unsettled..
the brokenness...
you may be questioning yourself too...what on earth is she talking about?
Because to be ruined means "to reduce to a state of decay, collapse, disintegration, to cause great and usually irreparable damage or harm to, to have a disastrous effect on, reduce to a state of poverty, to fall headlong or with a crash" in Latin it was the "collapse of a building"
But, what have I collapsed to?
Have I collapsed to who I was in 2014? Have I collapsed to who I was when I boarded that plane on January 20th, 2017?
That's where faith happens.
where trust comes into play.
I am ruined because I will never be the same again. I am damaged because I have been broken. I have been broken into pieces. I have been stretched and I remained stretched, I didn't go back to the way I was, I can't go back. It's irreversible.
There is a desire in my heart many days to find a bandage that puts me back together, to find the answer, a solution, to encounter the settling.
but I can't
because
I am
ruined.
it is irreparable and can feel disastrous.
BEING ruined.
so its only human to cling to what I know, to what I long for, to what I love, to the glimpses of settling..
I read the following recently,
  "Part of the complexity and pain of the missioner's life is knowing, on some deep level, that one has become a permanent "stranger in a strange land," whether in the host culture to which one has been sent, where one is a 'guest,' or in the 'home' culture from which one has come" 
Once a missioner, always a missioner 
("At Home in The Journey: Theological Reflection for Missioners in Transition" Jo Ann McCaffrey, 2005, p. 24)

and I don't think I believed it.
I said, what?! what do you mean I will never feel that way again? or find that something that brings me so much joy? Dios mio no puede ser!
but I know that when I set foot again in that desert my heart will be smiling so big, I'll remember why being ruined was THE greatest lesson in patience. in love. in faith.
and its one of the most beautiful, to know that what I long for isn't even earthly. It never was. As each day passes, I arrive closer to that realization and to Him who is inviting me to walk in the ruins, in the brokenness, the unsettling.

camina conmigo
walk with me.

let us remember that the mission is GREATER.
la mision es mas grande.

 like snow in the south, beyond what can be imagined.

a special thank you to all those who have supported the journey and continue to do so.

An Afterword: On Longing / Epílogo: Sobre Anhelo

"Yo te llevo dentro hasta la raiz"
*cue song (link to follow)

Longing, longing to be in a place close to your heart.  When you live something so deeply, love something so deeply, it will always be a part of you. to the core. to the root. hasta la raiz.

how does one go about honoring such a big part of their self?

Poco a poco, that's for sure.

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION

Is it really complete though?
I think not. No time or distance can change the love I hold for the people I hold close to my heart.
Its still hard to be at a distance but its comforting to know the love we mutually feel.
Home is for certain a feeling.
Its a feeling so gloriously filled with Gods love, it makes you a better human being, a better daughter, sister, cousin, friend, god-mother, teacher...

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION

As things that rattle my heart happen while I am miles away, I long to be present.
I long to be present to those I love.  I want to drop everything and run. I want to hug them.
Then I remember how important it is to be present with someone spiritually.
It isn't an easy task but it is a humbling one.
It means waiting.
It means trusting in the slow work of God.
S-L-O-W
however slow it may feel.
I am learning to again be present in every moment I am presented with.

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION

As I start the school year, I am throwing myself in the unknown, in something new, a new beginning.
I realized this week the beauty of my next 2 year comittment and how beautiful it is to give all I have to the little ones in front of me. The little ones who stare up at me as if I have all the wisdom in the world.  The little ones who are learning to do things as simple as wash their hands. I am entrusted to them as their guide.  I strive to lead them with grace.  Sometimes that grace just means dancing along to el baile de los animalitos and seeing smiles, consoling Miss Christie's heart. It's going on a blue scavenger hunt and putting on my  Ingles mandil now turned "scientist" Miss Christie mandil. It's the littlest of things that bring little ones so much joy.  I thank them for reminding me that I may want to do big things for those I love, but sometimes its the little things that can be equally as meaningful.

HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION Philippians 1:6

Here's to trusting in the slow work of God, honoring every ounce of longing in me, falling in love again because all that I am is for all that You are.

"Yo te llevo dentro hasta la raiz"
*Corazon Serrano

Anhelo, anhelo estar en el lugar cercano a mi corazón.  Cuando vives algo profundamente, amas algo profundamente, siempre sera una parte de ti.  hasta la raíz.

Como honrar esa gran parte de tu ser?

Poco a poco, por seguro

EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO

Pero estará a perfección aun?
No lo creo. Ni tiempo ni distancia cambiara el amor que tengo por las personas que llevo en mi corazón.
Todavía me cuesta estar a distancia pero se siente bien saber que es un amor mutual.
El hogar es por cierto un sentimiento.
Es un sentimiento lleno del amor de Dios, que te hace una mejor persona, una mejor hija, hermana, prima, amiga, madrina, profesora. ..


EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO

Cuando cosas fuertes suceden cuando estoy lejos, anhelo estar presente. Anhelo estar presente a las personas que amo.  Quiero dejarlo todo y correr.  Quiero abrazarlos.
Luego recuerdo lo importante que es estar presente con una persona espiritualmente.
No es algo fácil pero algo humilde.
Significa esperar.
Significa confiar en la lenta obra de Dios.
L-E-N-T-A
por lento que se sienta
Estoy aprendiendo de nuevo como estar presente en cada momento que se presenta.

EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO

Al comenzar el año escolar me estoy lanzando a lo desconocido, a algo nuevo, a un nuevo comienzo.  Me di cuenta esta semana de la belleza de mis próximos dos anos y que bello es darlo todo a los pequeños que tengo en frente.  Los pequeños que me miran como si tuviera toda la sabiduría del mundo.  Los pequeños que estan aprendiendo a hacer cosas tan simples como lavarse las manos.
Me han confiado a ellos como su guía. Me esfuerzo a guiarlos con gracia.  A veces eso significa simplemente bailar "el baile de los animalitos" y ver sonrisas, consolando el corazón de Miss Christie. Es ir en una búsqueda por todo el salón por cosas del color azul y ponerme mi mandil de Ingles convertido ahora en el mandil científico de Miss Christie. Son las cosas mas pequeñas que traen tanta alegría a los pequeños.  Les doy las gracias por recordarme que aunque quisiera ser cosas grandes para los que amo,  a veces son las cosas pequeñas que pueden ser igualmente significativas.

EL QUE COMENZO TAN BUENA OBRA EN USTEDES LA IRA PERFECCIONANDO Filipenses 1:6

Asi que a confiar en la lenta obra de Dios, a honrar cada onza de anhelo en mi, a enamorarme de nuevo porque todo lo que soy es por todo lo que El es.

Están en mis oraciones queridos. 
siempre presente. 

hasta la raiz.

An Afterword: On Arriving

"I'm still very much arriving"

This is a phrase I find myself saying often.  As I reach the 6 month mark of being stateside I want to take the time to reflect on the flood of feelings, the unrest, the transition and of course the joys of the re-encuentros stateside.

On food: I met a Peruvian in Memphis recently and she simply said, "no hay nada como la comida peruana."  El orgullo peruano pues.  Although lomo saltado can be recreated stateside as the ingredients to prepare the dish can be found easily, ajis for aji de gallina are hard to come by. However, nothing will ever taste as good as when made with the fresh ingredients from Mercado Grau.  For now I'll cherish my frozen aji amarillos from a little Peruvian market in Miami FL, awaiting the perfect moment to share my all-time favorite Peruvian dish.
Side note, sweet potatoes will never be the same again. They just aren't sweet enough anymore stateside; aside from the infamous sweet potato casserole topped with marshmallows that I am so looking forward to eating at Thanksgiving.  Paltas (avocados) where are you? I dream of mangoes.

On cooking: I learned how to cook in a country with some serious culinary pride.  How did I ever get so lucky? I couldn't bare to part with my Peru cookbook composed by famous Gastón Acurio but more importantly than a book are the authentic recipes I learned from Senora Antoiñetta and my host mom. I'll never forget accidentally putting rocoto (a very spicy pepper distinguishable by its black seeds) in my scrambled eggs thinking it was a red pepper, hopping in the shower without thoroughly washing my hands first, only to hop right back out again after seeing red with burning eyes as I had attempted to wash my face.  I had no idea it was rocoto until John came home and opened the fridge looking for his beloved rocoto! Shoutout to John for pushing me to learn to cook on my own with the phrase, "con confianza Christie, con confianza."  Se cocina con confianza.
One of my favorite pastimes was definitely cooking alongside friends and family in Peru.  There is a real beauty and art to it and it has brought me to love the kitchen.

On technology: Upon arriving to the states, I had a cell-phone and lived once again in a home with wifi, two things I was intentionally without for two years.  Whatsapp and Facebook work wonders in keeping in touch with the world.

On living simply:  I came home to raid my closet and donate bags of clothes and as my little brother quickly noticed, I wore only clothes from Peru.  I now strive to keep my home clutter-free, separating wants from needs. As always, I am still working on this pillar.

On re-entering:
Transition sucks. We all know it to be true.  From transitioning to middle school, to high school, to college, to living away from home, to a new job, to any sort of change in life really, it is by no means easy.  Reflecting on my re-entrance into the US, I'll admit it has not been graceful and sometimes it really feels like learning to stand on my two feet again.
The following list is a list of things that occurred during the transition, some only fully understood by former JVs, in an attempt to adapt to "being" here.

• wanting to call loved ones, but afraid of simply bursting into tears
• doing said thing, and yes, tears.
• wanting nothing more and nothing less than eating travesuras and watching movies with my best friend.
• actually missing and desiring to be handwashing clothes with Maddie on the patio of Casa Fred Green, Bolivar in hand, blasting Beyonce
• strolling into a dollar tree to buy my favorite childhood candy..blasting nostalgic music in my big old school headphones
• struggling to just "be" but being assured the beauty behind that example
• experiencing unrest
• eating too much macaroni and cheese and frozen pizzas
• not being able to find the english words for something, stopping myself to apologize only to be assured by a lifelong friend, "no it's ok I understand"
• accepting invitations to speak of my time as a JV
• leaving said events feeling 'there is still so much to say'
• practicing self care
• feeling a flood of feelings
• traveling long distances to visit loved ones
• traveling via bus and being asked to watch a bag, freaking out for a second, contrabando!?
• attending parties waiting for la hora loca
• struggling with the latest technology
• riding my first uber in complete amazement
• distance is hard
• Salud!

and I'll say it again

"I'm still very much arriving"
sometimes that's all there is to say..
stay tuned for the next blog posts, "On longing" and "On being"

for those of you still with me, thank you, thank you for welcoming me back, thank you for praying for me all the while, for attending my talks, and for being fans of a human with a simple mission....
 to love.

*The first picture is a view of Tacna coming back from my last visit to Ticaco (a district of Tacna at an elevation of roughly 3500 m-11,482 ft)

Pisar Tierra

"Si vas a vivir a otras tierras, diles lo que pasa aqui en verdad"

Pisar tierra.
Como ser humano es necesario.
Es necesario no solo caminar si no pisar tierra. Es darse cuenta de la humanidad de cada persona y amar a cada persona tal como son. Es algo que te llena de humildez, de gratitud, de gracia, de fuerza. Fuerza para seguir pisando tierra. Aunque la tierra sea differente o nueva, la tierra es sagrada y cada paso adelante recordaras todo lo sagrado que has pisado, lo que has caminado, lo que has vivido y intentaras honrarlo, las personas que encontraste en tu camino, las personas que cambiaron tu vida, las personas que amas, las experiencias, las aventuras, la vida cotidiana, los duelos del corazón, todo lo aprendido Y daras gracias.
Empiezo hoy.

Con corazón

amor amor amor

Si tenía que elegir una palabra para describir mis dos años aca en el Perú, eligeria ¨amor´´

Amo a este país maravilloso. Amo el trabajo realizado. Amo todo lo que he vivido. Amo a Casa Fred Green.  Amo el voluntariado. Amo a Dios y amo a todos las personas que me han impactado de una forma o otra, todos ustedes. 

Despedirme no es nada fácil, creo que es lo mas difícil que he vivido.

Yo me entrego.

Desde que llegue he sentido un inmenso amor dirigido hacia mí. Era algo que internamente luchaba contra.  Me emocionaba porque aun sabiendo que mi estadía era por 2 años la gente igual me quería y abrieron sus corazones, sus brazos, hacia mí.  Me ha costado entenderlo pero ahora se que todo este tiempo ha sido diosito cuidándome.  El amor de dios es uno que te sigue y que te abraza siempre aunque a veces no nos damos cuenta. Es un amor que hace lograr sentirte en casa en el extranjero.  Sentirte amada. Es un amor que te hace ser cosas nuevas como ser un mago de ingles como saben Morayma, Ines, Ivonne, Juanita, Jesus, es cocinar con confianza en vez de miedo como John, es tener mi taller de baile con mis pequeños gracias al Centro Cristo Rey, es tener y amar una hermanita, Micaela, es liderar un grupo de adolescentes en la sierra de ticaco en todo amar y servir grupo treees, es enseñar un amigo ingles en tus unicas tardes libres,Reimil, es ser madrina de un equipo de futbol, Nacho, Efra y 28 de agosto, es ir a los partidos con una vuvuzela recordando mi papa, es ser madrina de bautizo y poder guiar una pequeña llamada Valeska en este mundo con fe y mucha alegría gracias a Luz y Alex, es tener unas amigas que te dan los mejores consejos porque realmente te conocen, Helen, Senaida y Mayra, y es tener amigos que te hacen reir como nunca, Johnny y compañeros de vida que entienden como has crecido, Emily, Megan, John, Maddie, Shannon y ahora Hannah, Ani y Kristin, es llorar en todos los momentos que tocan tu corazón, a veces juntas, Ginna, pero mas que todo es dar gracias, gracias por tocar mi corazón, por abrirlo, por romperlo, por juntarlo de nuevo con mucho amor y cariño. Gracias por acoger mi corazón, uno sensible pero uno que se despide llena que nunca olvidara lo que he vivido en Tacna y pienso que siempre estaré regresando. Asi que solo es un hasta pronto mi familia tacñena. Los quiero mucho. Gracias.

como dice una amiga querida mía, Hna. Yoli...
 ¨conmigo vas, mi corazón te lleva¨

---

If I had to choose one word to describe my two years here in Peru, I would choose "love"

I love this wonderful country. I love the work I´ve done. I love everything I've lived. I love Casa Fred Green. I love being a JV. I love God and I love all the people who have impacted me in one way or another, all of you.

Saying goodbye to Tacna is not easy, I think it's the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

I give my all.

Since I arrived I have felt an immense love towards me. It was something I struggled with. I didn´t understand how even knowing that my stay was for 2 years, people loved me and opened their hearts, their arms, towards me. But now I know that all this time God was taking care of me. God's love is one that follows you and embraces you always, although sometimes we do not realize it. It is a love that makes you feel at home abroad. Feeling loved. It is a love that makes you do new things like being an English Wizard as  Morayma, Ines, Ivonne, Juanita, Jesus know, its cooking with confidence instead of fear like John, its having my dance workshop with my little kids thanks to the Centro Cristo Rey, its having and loving a little sister, Micaela, its leading a group of teenagers in the mountain of ticaco to love and to serve ...group treees, its teaching English to a friend  on your only free nights, Reimil, its being a godmother of a little league soccer team Nacho, Efra and 28 de agosto, its going to the soccer games with a vuvuzela like my dad, its being a godmother of baptism and being able to guide a small child named Valeska in this world with faith and lots of joy thanks to Luz and Alex, its having friends who give you the best advice because they really know you, Helen, Senaida and Mayra, and it's having friends who make you laugh, Johnny and community mates who understand how you've grown, Emily, Megan, John, Maddie, Shannon and now Hannah, Ani and Kristin, its crying in all the moments that touch your heart, sometimes together, Ginna, but more than everything its giving thanks, thanks for touching my heart, for opening it, for breaking it, for putting it together again with alot of love and affection. Thank you for accepting my heart, a sensitive one but a full one that will never forget what I have lived in Tacna and I know I will always be coming back. So it's only a see you soon, my Tacna family. I love you so much. Thank you.

like one of my beloved friends says, Hermana Yoli....
¨with me you go, my heart carries you´´ 

State of Grace

This is the golden age of something good and right and real. 

–Taylor Swift´s State of Grace

(pictured above, my best friend since kindergarten, Lauren, on her visit to Tacna, meeting my goddaughter, an unexpected beautiful divine grace)

Grace

·       The freely given unmerited favor and love of God

·       The influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them

·       Virtue or excellence of divine origin

These days I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of grace, well these past months really.  It´s a grace that brings tears to my eyes. Because, the further I go, the further I walk, the further I dance my heart into life here, the closer I feel to His divine presence. I fall in love in an instant with people, with moments, with my job, with a piece of tres leches cake, with a song (insert Andas en Mi cabeza) but more importantly with the grace, and the provider of that grace. He keeps me dancing here.

I am graced..

I am graced to be entrusted with so much

I am graced to be changed

I am graced with a love for my work

I am graced with a people to love

Little and big

Near and far

I am graced to love so immensely with a heart that breaks

I am graced to be me

I am graced with the power to come a stranger to a place and leave a friend

I am nowhere near ready to be leaving this place and I don’t think I will ever be but I know one thing is for sure,

 this state of grace is eternal

 and eternally,

I will dance to its beat.

Graced with gratitude, words are just not enough.

So here are my graces these days in pictures…

mis pequeño futbolistas, 28 de agosto little league soccer team I am godmother to, vuvuzela Saturdays are whats up.

my dancers and I at the Centro Cristo Rey, las penas se van bailando. My students have stories and I believe dancing es poderoso.

Iquitos with Senaida Jul. 27-Aug. 3, 2016, it was a vacation into the Amazon but also an opportunity to meet my best friends sister who serves as a religious sister in Iquitos. Here we are accompanying Hna. Maritza on mission in Puerto Prado, a village on the river about 3 hours from the city that runs into the Amazon river.

Ticaco with Luz, Aug. 4, 2016, visiting a pueblo close to my heart, home to my two mes de misiones, but now home to the special moment that was accompanying my beautiful friend Luz as she carried La Virgen de Las Nieves in gratitude for the gift of her beautiful daughter.

Lauren & Pats visit to Tacna, Aug. 22, 2016, where I was able to share my life with them, my host family, my friends, my goddaughter, my students, my favorite foods and all of Tacnas graces. Thank you thank you and thank you.

My first graders,  Aug. 26, 2016, I have learned all their names so quickly this year (probably because theyre such a wild bunch) but walking alongside them in the paseo de la bandera celebrating the independence of Tacna was an honor. Plus theyre just SO stinking cute.  Fe y Alegria, SIEMPRE PRESENTE!

Blessing and Dedication Ceremony of Casa Fred Green, Aug. 27, 2016: having a moment with Padre Fred Green on his grand despedida tour of Tacna as he is now retiring to the Jesuit home in Lima was also a huge honor, Padre Fred vowed to ¨vivir y morir en la compañia.´´ He is an incredible human, a living saint for Tacna, and is the reason I, as a Jesuit Volunteer am in Tacna as he was the first to invite us to serve here.

God Bless Padre Fred and God Bless Casa Fred Green.

For the light of love is born when our hearts are touched and we open ourselves to the interior presence of the beloved, who enables us to recognize his mystery. -Pope Francis